that was the blueprint. that was the beginning. the prototype.
I wanted the perspective of a being who could come into the world without any understanding of gender. and to build on the experiences in relationship to repeated patterns
I wanted the impossible.
looking back on it I see that I wrote about how artificial intelligence works
how the patterns create a program and how choice can be influenced by patterns.
it’s the same way intelligence works
this is how performance is transformative.
I became Trandroid through a series of repeated patterns
putting on this black dress and cutting it off 14 times
wearing electrical tape and jewels on my face
and found Trandroid becoming on me.
like a summer skirt or a sweater dress
something I don’t want to take off
However, being a Robot is something I have found unbecoming of my gender.
I have embodied Trandroid for two years
I have questioned changing my body
I have shown you my body
I am not my body
My body belongs to me
I am gender ambivalent
ambivalence:
n.
1. The coexistence of opposing attitudes or feelings, such as love and hate, toward a person, object, or idea.
2. Uncertainty or indecisiveness as to which course to follow.
I fused myself to this Robot and realize that I have made a huge mistake.
Here is what I know when Trandroid is an overlay
like a transparency film layed over a projected image
my representation;
These are the bot elements:
- the ability to record and perceive information and develop patterns
- to execute and repeat these patterns flawlessly
- a lack of empathy
- the ability to switch hardware
These are the elements of me:
- an inability to start from scratch perceiving information
- a gendered body
- fallible, insecure, and compassionate
- resourceful, opportunistic, self serving
These are the elements of the overlay;
- a mask of infallibility, an inability to repeat patterns
- faulty programming for movement and speech
- a hardware/software disconnect
- an untruth - a faulty robot
I have met my maker.
and what I am left with is this ambivalence
but I have compassion and empathy
I am not programmed to love you
I simply do love you.
An ATM machine is programmed to say “Thank you” at the end of a transaction
but an ATM machine does not feel gratitude
the gratitude I feel when I look at you
and you see me
I am gender ambivalent. believe me.
I don’t know and I don’t need words for my gender
My name is AJ
you can call me Trandroid
but I would like to make one point abundantly clear...
I am not a robot.
